Mother of 4: Day #5

Jackson's 4th birthday is on Monday. I'm feeling sad about it. It just hit me today. I'm not sure why, but I couldn't stop thinking about him all morning. I really have only done that a few times in the past few years, so it surprised me.

I've been home with Kylee & my niece Claire for the past 4 days, while the boys have been at school. Claire is 2 1/2 months older than Jackson would be. I actually have two nephews that age too. It never bothers me; I really enjoy seeing what those 3 are doing and how they are growing. Even from the time we lost Jackson, I found comfort in knowing that I could be involved in the lives of my niece & nephews who were the same age as he would be. With that being said, taking care of Kylee this week, alongside a child who is Jackson's age, has kind of given me a little glimpse of how it would be if he was here with us.

As I was thinking about all of this today, I had a really sweet experience. I felt such a neat spirit and felt Jackson close by. I felt like I got a lot of questions answered. I don't have those experiences as often as I used to, so it was so nice to feel that again. Even when I miss Jackson, I am 100% sure that things are the way that they are supposed to be. The only reason I feel sad is because I miss him so much. I know having him die before I was able to spend a day with him was part of the Lord's plan for him, as well as His plan for our family.

I've also been thinking a lot about mothering lately, especially with taking care of 4 kids this week. I know that mothering is a lot more than fixing meals and doing laundry. I know that motherhood is a sacred calling and that it is truly the most important thing that we can devote our lives to. And I know that women who don't have children can still make a HUGE difference in a child's life. 

This will most likely be the only week of my life that I will be able to call myself a mother of 4. And that is how it should be. Every family is different and every mother is needed to fill a specific role in their children's lives. I'm so thankful for Kylee & for the role that I am able to play in her life. And I'm so thankful for Jackson & for the bond that I am able to have with him, even though he isn't here on earth with me. 

I have a plaque in my home that says, "Because someone we love is in heaven, we feel heaven in our home." That is so true for us. Lincoln & I appreciate Jackson, because he really does bring a little bit of heaven to our home. I miss Jackson terribly today, but I wouldn't have things any other way. He is where he should be, we are where we should be, and we will all be together in the end. I really do believe in happy endings, and until we get ours, I'll enjoy all the sweet experiences that I can get. I sure had a sweet one today.