A Really Long Mothers Day Post!

Today was quite a bit better than I expected it to be. I didn't think I was worried about the fact that Mothers Day was approaching, but eventually realized that I was actually dreading it. I suddenly became extremely anxious about a week ago, and could never seem to shake it. I couldn't figure out why I felt that way. I analyzed it on my trip to the cabin, and decided it was probably because Mothers Day was approaching. We got home from our trip on Saturday night, and I turned on Ellen while I was baking some stuff. It was a Mothers Day special & everyone in the audience was pregnant with their first child. For some reason I watched over half of the show, even though it was just making me sad. It brought back so many memories of when I was pregnant. When I was pregnant, I was so excited and didn't have any thoughts of things not going according to plan. I kind of miss that naivety and how simple my life seemed then. When I went to bed last night I had a weird dream in which I was talking with someone about being pregnant. This person didn't know what had happened to Jackson...I thought that she knew...and the whole conversation made her feel awkward and upset. I've never had a dream like that before...it wasn't very pleasant. I woke up from the dream in the middle of the night, absolutely dreading today. I fell back asleep & woke up this morning to two texts on my phone...one from my sister and one from my friend Amber. My sister is incredible. She has so much sympathy for me and always thinks about my feelings. My sister Melissa is one of the greatest gifts Heavenly Father has ever given me. She has gotten me through a lot. My friend Amber texts me often to see how I'm feeling or to ask if I need anything. I'm not sure I've ever offered to help her. I feel like a terrible friend. She asks me to hang out and I usually don't end up doing it...not because I don't love her, just because I'm not feeling well & don't want to be around people or because I'm trying to catch up on the things I'm so behind on around the house. Still, she continues to reach out to me to let me know that she is there for me if I need her. So Amber...I know you will probably read this...I really do notice all of the little things you do for me & the big things too! Thank you!!! After I read these sweet texts, I went downstairs to eat breakfast & saw flowers (pictured above) and a card sitting on the table. They were from Lincoln. I've said before that he isn't a big gift giver, so when I get flowers from him it is a big deal. We've had so much going on lately, I couldn't believe that he thought ahead enough to make things special for me. After waking up to the texts & flowers, I knew it was going to be a much better day than I had originally thought. I knew that I would be ok.

Church was interesting. I had to sit by myself during part of sacrament meeting (Lincoln worked last night and had a hard time waking up) and that was hard. I kind of felt like there was a big spotlight on me. I know that sounds crazy, but I knew that others knew today must be hard for me & I wasn't excited about being in such a vulnerable position. Having Lincoln by my side made things better & the talks were amazing! Our friends Jared & Andrea did such a great job of reaching all the women in our ward, not just the mothers, yet they still talked about motherhood and what a divine calling it is. I think they are wise people...I learn a lot from them.

Although sacrament meeting was great, I cried A LOT. Hearing the Primary kids sing the Mothers Day songs got me going & I never really stopped. Linc's cousin got home from his mission today & was flying in just after our sacrament meeting ended, so I kept asking Linc if we could go to the airport. Lincoln was too tired & needed to go home and sleep. I really wanted to see his cousin, but I also realized that I REALLY wanted an excuse to leave church and not have to deal with more lessons or to talk about Mothers Day. I was really tempted to just go home and feel sorry for myself, but I decided to stay and was so grateful that I did. Our lesson in Relief Society was on trials & we talked about Joseph Smith being in Liberty Jail. The lesson in Sunday School was on the spirit world. It was pretty amazing to me that the 3 lessons I heard seemed to fit my situation perfectly: motherhood, trials & the spirit world. I felt the Spirit so strongly and was able to keep my emotions a little more under control in the rest of my meetings. Overall, church was an extremely positive experience for me today. I can't even begin to tell you how supportive my ward is. I was surprised that people were so willing to talk to me today and was thankful to be treated like a normal person. People weren't afraid to ask me how my day was going or to say something about Jackson. There are some incredibly good people in this world, and Heavenly Father really helped me by using them to comfort me today.

And now I have to mention my own mom. My mom & I are very alike but have had our frustrations with each other. I feel terrible about all of the times I've made her feel bad or haven't appreciated her as much as I should. I love my mom so much. Her level of personal righteousness is astounding. I have never seen someone use prayer and scriptures to guide her through life, the way that she does. She takes good care of her body by exercising and tries hard to be healthy. I have a very clear knowledge of what is right and wrong (although I don't always make the decisions I know that I should) and that is because of the way my parents taught me the gospel. They taught me how to be a decent human being. They provided support and stability for me. They made me feel so smart and accomplished. They weren't afraid to let me make my own decisions when I got older. My mom was always home when I came home from school & always had a snack waiting for us. She would ask us about our day & would really listen to the answers we gave. I think my mom is beautiful. Growing up, I had many friends tell me how young my mom looked or how pretty she was. I'm glad that she has always been accepting of herself & has instilled that in my sisters & I. She is very honest and puts forth a lot of effort to show those around her that she cares about them. I love you Mom. Thank you for everything. I had such a fun time spending time with my mom tonight. We had yummy chicken (thanks Lincoln) & good conversation. I laughed my head off...my mom can make me laugh more easily than almost anyone!

On the way home, I received a phone call from my friend Rebeca. I have a connection with her that I don't have with anyone else. We've both lost a son, & we are able to talk to each other about our trials without sugar-coating things. I honestly don't know what I would do without her!

I want to wish all of you women a Happy Mothers Day! I know that the gifts of motherhood were instilled in us before we even got to this earth. Some of us just get to use those gifts sooner than others. I know this was an extremely long post, but I wanted to remember every detail of my third Mothers Day without Jackson. Our little boy has taught me more than I ever thought possible. I am SO, SO, SO grateful to be Jackson's mom. I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father sent him to me!