Visiting Jackson's Grave

Saturday was the hardest day I've had in a really, really long time. I only remember one Christmas since I had Jackson and one of Jackson's birthdays (and of course right after I had him) when I missed him so much and felt so sad about him not being here. I would have never thought a 4th of July would have brought out those emotions in me, but that's the crazy thing about grief...it can hit at any time. I never realized, until having to go through losing a child myself, that you can still feel such a deep sense of loss years after they are gone and that the feelings can hit so suddenly and so hard. Time does help so, so much, but I wouldn't be surprised at all if ten years down the road I have another day like this. It's just part of this whole process. Anyway, I bought some flowers for Jackson on Saturday and took them to his grave. They looked so pretty sitting there next to his headstone...

I had to take a picture of myself since I was alone. I LOVE going to the cemetery by myself. I've only done it a few times, but plan on doing it more. Of course I love visiting his grave with Lincoln too, but there is something about being there by myself with my little boy. Even though I know it is just his body that is there, I feel his spirit SO strongly every time I go...especially when I just sit and think about him by myself. Oh, I love this little guy. I miss him so much. I wish I could hug him and play with him and teach him. I know I just have to be patient and that day will eventually come.

This is truly my favorite place in the world.