Look for the Positive

Sorry for the lack of new pictures on my blog lately. All I have are pictures of Kylee from people who are taking care of her. I've been lounging around home and Lincoln has been working and taking care of everything here at home...thus, no fun pictures for now!

I was in bed all day yesterday, after my "I'm feeling wonderful" post. I got ahead of myself a little bit. :) This recovery has been fairly easy compared to some of my other surgeries, which is great. The TIME it takes to recover from this surgery has been hard though. My patience is definitely tested every day! I dust a table and have to rest for an hour. It makes me feel kind of pathetic.

But anyway, on to my reason for posting. I decided before I had this surgery that I was going to have a better attitude. I've kept my complaining to Lincoln to a minimum and have seen great results. I mean, it's definitely easier to have a good attitude when I don't have to worry about my pain coming back in 4 months or about having another surgery in a year. Still, I've been surprised at how much a better attitude has improved things.

Here are two things that I am extremely happy about today:

1) I've been off medication for a week now. I only take a probiotic every morning for my stomach, and change my HRT (hormone replacement therapy) patch twice a week. That's it. That in itself is such a huge deal for me.

2) I can read a book without getting distracted or having to re-read something. I can have a conversation without thinking, "Did what I say make sense?" or "Did I do a good job at hiding my pain?"

I realize that if I make myself look for the positive, I can find some pretty miraculous things happening!

"Never give up, for that is just the place & time the tide will turn." -Harriet Beecher Stowe

I'm sure the common theme of my blog lately has been obvious...I am feeling SO THANKFUL.

Yesterday I did a load of laundry...and it didn't hurt.

I picked Kylee up...and it didn't hurt.

I walked up the stairs...and it didn't hurt.

I celebrated my 27th birthday...and celebrated the fact that I am LIVING MY LIFE.

Today I went out to lunch...and didn't think about pain once.

I walked the dogs...and wished I could walk them longer.

The past few nights, Lincoln & I have talked for hours about our "new life" and what we are going to do with it, and who we are going to become...it feels like we are dating again, except better.

I think about how many people loved me and served me these past ten years, even though I could hardly ever return the favor...and it touches my heart.

I'm excited. I'm thankful. I'm hopeful. I'm happy. I am at peace with my life. This surgery was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I love that the Lord watches out for me when I listen to His promptings. He is perfect. He is real. He cares.

I love Him.

Family

I've had a lot of time to think these past three weeks, and my thoughts are constantly turning to my family.

I'm thankful for a grandpa who keeps pushing on, even though he just lost his sweetheart...

I'm thankful for a mom who loves Kylee with her whole heart...

I'm thankful for a husband who turns to me in the middle of the night, when I have just accidentally woken him up, and instead of being annoyed, says "What can I do for you? There must be something that I can do for you."
I'm thankful for siblings who are my best friends.
My heart is full.

Dream Girl

Putting my health aside, most days now I feel like I'm living in a dream. Lincoln & I talk about it at least once a week...how different our lives would be without Kylee, what a perfect baby she is & how she fit into our family from the day we brought her home, and how getting her honestly surpassed our wildest dreams. I feel so privileged to be able to actually say that something happened in my life that was better than anything I had ever dreamed up for myself...how many times does that actually happen? Here's to our dream girl. I have no idea where we would be without her.
P.S. Thanks for the pictures Ashley. They're my favorite.

Busy Kylee

I have to say that I am SO thankful that our families have been taking pictures of Kylee for me, while they have been taking care of her. Pictures are so important to me, and seeing pictures of her doing new things helps me feel like I'm not missing out on this stage of her life quite as much.

All of these pictures were taken in Snowflake this past week. As you can see, Kylee is becoming an expert at crawling, climbing and getting into things!

We missed Kylee while she was gone and are so happy to have her back with us!

Recovery Update

Bad news: I caught a pretty bad cold & cough... let's just say that I deal with pain better than I deal with sickness. I haven't been sleeping well at all for a few weeks. I've finally fallen asleep at 6 or 7am more times than I care for. It is getting old! (I think my ever-increasing hot flashes/night sweats have something to do with it!) One of my incisions is infected, but is getting better.

Good news: When I went to my post-op appointment on Friday, the doctor was surprised at how well I am doing. And she gave me the go-ahead to PICK KYLEE UP!!! She told me that I could try it, and if it hurt to wait two more weeks, then try it again. Well, I've picked her up a total of 7 or 8 times in the past two days and it hasn't hurt me. HOORAY for that! I walked around the block today and can move around easily. I'm no longer on painkillers and can definitely tolerate the amount of pain that I'm in.

Now I'm hoping that I can kick this cold & cough fast, and then things should be a lot better. Thanks to everyone for all of the incredibly nice things you have done for us. Hopefully we can return the favor someday!!!

My Nana

Grandad, Nana, Anjane', Lincoln

June 2007

Nana's funeral was today. It was wonderful. Nana was (& still is) an incredible woman, and I hope to be like her someday. The thing that really stands out to me about Nana is that she LOVES EVERYONE. I realized at the funeral that every single person in my whole extended family (which is huge) ADORES Nana. She made everyone feel special. She was interested in everyone's lives. My uncle told us that someone once said to him, "I've always wanted to ask an Allen why each of you feel like you can do anything." and he quickly replied, "Because of our mother."

Nana really did make me feel like I could accomplish anything that I set my mind to. I was lucky enough too, that she made my dad feel like that growing up, and he in turn made his children feel that same way. Nana loved music. She had a beautiful singing voice. When I was younger, my grandparents made their children & grandchildren a tape of them singing their favorite songs. While growing up, I would listen to it sometimes daily, writing down the words to the songs, and playing the tape over & over again while singing along with my Nana. This morning I was doing fine emotionally, until I walked into the church for the viewing & heard that same recording of Nana singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow". That song will always make me think of her.

I had the opportunity to live with Nana & Grandad when I was 9 years old. We lived with them for a year & I loved it. I have very vivid memories of sitting at the dinner table eating strawberries & sugar and talking with Nana about what we were thankful for. I remember hearing her play the piano and sing. I remember playing games with Nana. She was some of my biggest competition when it came to word games, and since we were both extremely competitive, I loved trying to beat her at those games.

Lincoln commented today that he felt so lucky that he was able to be around Nana these past 6 1/2 years. He said that I could have described to him how wonderful she was, but it would never have been the same for him as experiencing who she was firsthand. He said that Nana made him feel like part of the family immediately. I am incredibly thankful that Nana got to know Kylee before she died. My favorite memory of all, is the one I have of Nana holding Kylee while Lincoln & I were sealed to her. I wish I had a picture of the way Nana looked at me in that moment & I wish I had bottled up the feeling she exuded, so that I could feel it again.

Nana is special to me. She is truly one-of-a-kind. I will miss her. She has been so supportive of me throughout my life. She was so excited for me to get my hysterectomy, so that I could feel better. She helped give me the courage to go through with my decision to have this surgery, because she had gone through the same thing when she was in her 30's. Nana also helped give me the determination and courage to adopt, because Nana herself was adopted & talked so highly of her adoptive parents.

I'm so glad that I was able to have enough energy to go the funeral today. It completely wiped me out, and I think it will take days for me to feel better, but it was definitely worth it. I was so thankful to feel of Nana's sweet spirit and to know that I will see her again someday. I'm happy to know that she will be with Jackson until I can get back to him. I love you Nana. I'll miss you.

On Being A Mother

January 2006 was when I first found out that I was going to be a mother...over 4 years ago. That moment changed me. I was determined to use those 9 months to improve the person that I was, so that I could be the best mom that I could be. I was on an incredibly fulfilling path and my dreams were coming true. Three weeks before his expected arrival, I received the news that my son was no longer living. The moment I gave birth to Jackson, I felt my motherly instincts kick in...but I had no way to use those instincts. I was so thankful to be Jackson's mother, but was confused about how to fulfill that calling, since he wasn't here with me. I missed him more than I can explain.
Now I celebrate the fact that I am Jackson's mother by visiting the cemetery...
And by celebrating his birthdays without him here...
Although my experience with motherhood has been very different with Jackson, I am so thankful to be his mother. I miss him. I love him. He is a huge part of me and who I am and who I want to be. He made me a mother.

Becoming Kylee's mother was very unexpected. I became her mother two days after I met her, when she came to stay in our home permanently. (Of course, legally, I didn't become Kylee's mother for many months after that, but she felt like my daughter right from the start.) I was finally able to act on those motherly instincts. She made it easier for me to feel like a mom. She helped me to have faith and courage, and to grow in ways that I never thought possible. She brought so much light into my life. My road to motherhood with Kylee was not typical either. First we had to be granted temporary custody and go through the adoption process...
Then after the adoption was final, we were sealed in the temple. Now I had the knowledge that I would be Kylee's mom forever.
I celebrate the fact that I am Kylee's mother by spending as much time with her as I can. I get to have her in my home, which I try to thank Heavenly Father for every day, knowing that it isn't always that way.
Kylee brings peace and joy to my life. Being her mother nourishes my soul.
Two of my greatest blessings are my children. I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for letting me be their mother. I can think of no greater privilege.

Happy Mother's Day to our mothers. Lincoln & I are truly blessed to have the mothers that we do!

Good Baby

Kylee has been spending time all over the place since my surgery. She has already been to Snowflake and Pine, and will go back to Snowflake next week. Luckily she is a good baby and seems to be ok with all of the changes that are happening!

Here she is driving with Daddy...(don't worry, the car was parked!)

Making cookies at Grandma's house in Snowflake...

Trying out the new cabin swing in Pine...

Kylee has never had a comfort item, but I think this bear might be it now. A few friends gave me this teddy bear when I had Jackson, and as crazy as this sounds, I slept with it every night for probably a year or two. It got me through some rough nights and it looks like it will do the same for her. :) (And yes, she has already mastered the art of taking down her bumper every time we put her in her crib.)
Lincoln took Kylee to her 9-month appointment this week. Here are her stats:

Height: 28 3/4" (above 80th percentile)

Weight: 19lbs 6oz (just above 50th percentile)

I miss taking care of this little girl. Countdown to when I can pick her up: 1 week down, 5 weeks to go!!!

When It Rains, It Pours

Yesterday was one of those days that I just wanted to END. Yesterday afternoon, we got the news that Lincoln's grandpa's cancer has spread to his stomach & his lungs. Twenty minutes later, we got the news that my grandma had a stroke & that she isn't going to make it.

All of my extended family went to the hospital to say their goodbyes to Nana last night. I was so sad that I had to stay home and would miss seeing her one last time. She is still alive, but unresponsive today. We are pretty sure that she will pass away today or tomorrow. Now my goal is to rest, so that I can feel good enough to go to her funeral.

When hard things happen, I like to be around people & I like to stay busy. I don't like just sitting and thinking...but that is all I can really do right now. I've felt pretty helpless. I'm so thankful for Lincoln's brother & his wife, who stepped in at the last minute and took Kylee these past two days so that my parents could spend time at the hospital. I will miss Nana so much. Our thoughts & prayers are with Da (Linc's grandpa) at this time and hope that he feels of everyone's support and love.

I know things will get better soon...it just seems like everything hit at once!

I Will Survive!

Well, I decided that it was time that I attempt to sit at the computer and blog. I have a feeling I am going to regret it tomorrow since I ended up sitting on this hard chair, looking at everyone else's blogs, for much longer than I'd planned...but boy does it feel good to be out of bed! My recovery is going very well. As you can see in the picture below, I've just been hanging out with lots of pillows guarding my stomach and the dogs staying by my side at all times.

My surgery was pretty uneventful. It went quickly and smoothly. My doctor found hardly any endometriosis or scar tissue, which is good. Then of course she performed the hysterectomy. I woke up from surgery having a lot more pain than I thought I would have...and my stay at the hospital wasn't too comfortable...but since I've been home I've been good. I'm still taking painkillers & sleeping A LOT. I've had a lot of help, which I am so thankful for. Kylee spent a few days in Snowflake and came home last night. I sure did miss her! I'm already having a hard time not being able to hold her, but I'm just going to have to deal with that!Lincoln has been waiting on me and spoiling me, going so far as to read my friends' blogs to me, until I got out of bed tonight to read them myself. :) I have not had ONE second of doubt or regret since having this surgery. When I saw the pictures from my surgery and saw the big empty space where my ovaries & uterus used to be...I was BEYOND HAPPY! I am so glad that those things are GONE FOREVER! As insensitive as that might sound, I was so ready for them to go. I am SO, SO, SO excited to have the opportunity to live a pain-free life very soon. I can tell that I will feel great, since the pain I'm having now is just from my surgery & different from the pain that I used to have. I have already started hormone replacement therapy and so far it has gone extremely well. I've had a few mild hot flashes, but that's about it! Let's hope that it stays that way! Now I've just got to take things slow and work on making a full recovery! Thanks again for everyone's thoughts & prayers. We really appreciate all of you!!!

INTRODUCING...

Our brand new nephew...NIXEN BRADLEY MCNEIL!!!

Born Saturday, May 1st

8lbs 6oz (2 weeks early!)

I am SO excited that this little boy has joined our family! Congrats to Melissa & Brad for making such a cute baby...and for choosing such a cute name! :) I love being an aunt...it is the best ever! Lincoln went to the hospital yesterday to meet Nixen. I'm going to have to wait a little longer to see him, since I'm not feeling well enough to leave my house yet. Now Kylee has a cousin on my side...hooray! What a huge blessing little Nixen is to all of us!