My "Lost" Relationship

Yes, I know that it is just tv. Yes, I know that it's not real. I have to admit, though, that the characters on "Lost" play a significant role in my life. Ha ha, just kidding...well, kind of. When I was released from the hospital after I had Jackson, I went back to my parents' house & stayed there for a week. I remember walking into their house and thinking, "What do I do now?". I tried to read & couldn't concentrate, the tv couldn't hold my attention, I got tired of talking about burial arrangements & just wanted to zone out. Nothing worked! My mom & I had been watching the first season of Lost on DVD during the weeks before I had Jackson, so we decided to rent the 2nd season. It worked! I LOST myself in it! (Ha ha, get it?!) Ever since then, this show has been my favorite. It is my escape! I can get so wrapped up in it, I love it! I think everyone needs something like that in their life! The season finale on Wednesday night was insane. I can't wait until next season!!!

RESULTS

I actually got my results back yesterday from the endoscopy. I'm so pleased with my GI Specialist's office...they are always so on top of things! I never have to call them...they always call me with reminders & results. What a blessing! Anyway, my results came back...NEGATIVE, which means that they were completely normal. In the past, I've been so disappointed when my tests haven't shown anything, but I feel good about these results. The dr is telling me it is IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), which my primary care doctor already diagnosed me with, quite awhile ago. I've heard that IBS is very often misdiagnosed, & in the past I've had doctors diagnose me with something that I didn't really have, so I still wasn't positive I had it. Now I know for sure that I do have IBS & that I need to work hard to make the necessary lifestyle changes in order to deal with it. I'm confident that if anything else was wrong, it would have shown up on the tests that the GI Specialist did. He was extremely thorough and I trust his diagnosis. It's hard because my stomach hurts no matter what I eat. I guess I just need to figure out how to avoid the flare-ups and hope that over time, if I'm eating really healthy, that my constant stomachaches will get better. I'm concerned about my endometriosis coming back (I've felt the beginnings of it returning for a few weeks now). When my endometriosis is bad, I have more problems with my stomach and vice versa. At least I don't have to have any more tests or surgeries in the near future...I'm so thankful for that!

I Know You're Jealous...

Today I had my capsule endoscopy. Yesterday was my clear liquid diet & "prep" day...the third I've had so far this year. The prep for the tests and surgeries is always the worst! I gagged down the drink I had to buy at the pharmacy in record time, and took the 3 pills to make sure the job was done. I know, I know...you are wishing you were me right now.

Today I went into the office to swallow the camera & get the gear put on. Now, the pamphlet I received in the mail had a picture of a girl with a thin belt and little pager-sized box on the side. It was uglier & bigger in the picture than I thought it would be...& then I saw the real thing that I was supposed to wear. It was way bigger & uglier than the picture! It's a good thing I wasn't planning on going anywhere today. The lady that does the test told me that I would look like I had a bomb strapped to me & she was right. This picture doesn't really do it justice...it had wires sticking out of the bottom that ran up my shirt and from the back I looked like I had a big back brace on. I got some really funny looks walking from the doctors office to the car. I realized if I moved much at all, the sticky things under my shirt would move...so I got pretty bored just laying around. I slept for awhile & then went over to my parents' house with Lincoln & the dogs to hide out until I could go back to the office. The pill I swallowed was really cool looking...it said PillCam on one side and the other side was clear, so I could see the flashing light from the camera. When I went back to the office a few hours ago, they took the box off (which holds hours of pictures & videos from inside my body) and removed the sticky things (do those have a name?) and I came home. The whole test is pretty fascinating actually. It makes me so thankful that I live in a day when we have such amazing technology available to us. It also made me very grateful for good insurance, because I'm sure the test is expensive! I should get the results back, along with my blood test results, by Friday or Monday. I have an appointment with the GI Specialist next Wednesday...hopefully this will give us some more answers!!! Apparently the capsule endoscopy is almost as good as doing exploratory surgery...I'm anxious to see what they find.

Late Night

I got so caught up in all of the excitement of Mothers Day & stayed up talking on the phone until so late...that I forgot to take my medicine. I usually take it at 8:30pm and am always in bed before midnight. I remembered to take it at about 10:45pm...and couldn't just skip taking it because it not only helps me sleep, but it helps with my pain. I have a feeling I'll be sleeping in tomorrow...I mean today...OOPS.
P.S.-Melissa (my sis) & Brad (my future bro-in-law) & Ashley (my brother's awesome girlfriend) are coming into town again this week...which means more crazy family fun! Yahoo!!!

A Really Long Mothers Day Post!

Today was quite a bit better than I expected it to be. I didn't think I was worried about the fact that Mothers Day was approaching, but eventually realized that I was actually dreading it. I suddenly became extremely anxious about a week ago, and could never seem to shake it. I couldn't figure out why I felt that way. I analyzed it on my trip to the cabin, and decided it was probably because Mothers Day was approaching. We got home from our trip on Saturday night, and I turned on Ellen while I was baking some stuff. It was a Mothers Day special & everyone in the audience was pregnant with their first child. For some reason I watched over half of the show, even though it was just making me sad. It brought back so many memories of when I was pregnant. When I was pregnant, I was so excited and didn't have any thoughts of things not going according to plan. I kind of miss that naivety and how simple my life seemed then. When I went to bed last night I had a weird dream in which I was talking with someone about being pregnant. This person didn't know what had happened to Jackson...I thought that she knew...and the whole conversation made her feel awkward and upset. I've never had a dream like that before...it wasn't very pleasant. I woke up from the dream in the middle of the night, absolutely dreading today. I fell back asleep & woke up this morning to two texts on my phone...one from my sister and one from my friend Amber. My sister is incredible. She has so much sympathy for me and always thinks about my feelings. My sister Melissa is one of the greatest gifts Heavenly Father has ever given me. She has gotten me through a lot. My friend Amber texts me often to see how I'm feeling or to ask if I need anything. I'm not sure I've ever offered to help her. I feel like a terrible friend. She asks me to hang out and I usually don't end up doing it...not because I don't love her, just because I'm not feeling well & don't want to be around people or because I'm trying to catch up on the things I'm so behind on around the house. Still, she continues to reach out to me to let me know that she is there for me if I need her. So Amber...I know you will probably read this...I really do notice all of the little things you do for me & the big things too! Thank you!!! After I read these sweet texts, I went downstairs to eat breakfast & saw flowers (pictured above) and a card sitting on the table. They were from Lincoln. I've said before that he isn't a big gift giver, so when I get flowers from him it is a big deal. We've had so much going on lately, I couldn't believe that he thought ahead enough to make things special for me. After waking up to the texts & flowers, I knew it was going to be a much better day than I had originally thought. I knew that I would be ok.

Church was interesting. I had to sit by myself during part of sacrament meeting (Lincoln worked last night and had a hard time waking up) and that was hard. I kind of felt like there was a big spotlight on me. I know that sounds crazy, but I knew that others knew today must be hard for me & I wasn't excited about being in such a vulnerable position. Having Lincoln by my side made things better & the talks were amazing! Our friends Jared & Andrea did such a great job of reaching all the women in our ward, not just the mothers, yet they still talked about motherhood and what a divine calling it is. I think they are wise people...I learn a lot from them.

Although sacrament meeting was great, I cried A LOT. Hearing the Primary kids sing the Mothers Day songs got me going & I never really stopped. Linc's cousin got home from his mission today & was flying in just after our sacrament meeting ended, so I kept asking Linc if we could go to the airport. Lincoln was too tired & needed to go home and sleep. I really wanted to see his cousin, but I also realized that I REALLY wanted an excuse to leave church and not have to deal with more lessons or to talk about Mothers Day. I was really tempted to just go home and feel sorry for myself, but I decided to stay and was so grateful that I did. Our lesson in Relief Society was on trials & we talked about Joseph Smith being in Liberty Jail. The lesson in Sunday School was on the spirit world. It was pretty amazing to me that the 3 lessons I heard seemed to fit my situation perfectly: motherhood, trials & the spirit world. I felt the Spirit so strongly and was able to keep my emotions a little more under control in the rest of my meetings. Overall, church was an extremely positive experience for me today. I can't even begin to tell you how supportive my ward is. I was surprised that people were so willing to talk to me today and was thankful to be treated like a normal person. People weren't afraid to ask me how my day was going or to say something about Jackson. There are some incredibly good people in this world, and Heavenly Father really helped me by using them to comfort me today.

And now I have to mention my own mom. My mom & I are very alike but have had our frustrations with each other. I feel terrible about all of the times I've made her feel bad or haven't appreciated her as much as I should. I love my mom so much. Her level of personal righteousness is astounding. I have never seen someone use prayer and scriptures to guide her through life, the way that she does. She takes good care of her body by exercising and tries hard to be healthy. I have a very clear knowledge of what is right and wrong (although I don't always make the decisions I know that I should) and that is because of the way my parents taught me the gospel. They taught me how to be a decent human being. They provided support and stability for me. They made me feel so smart and accomplished. They weren't afraid to let me make my own decisions when I got older. My mom was always home when I came home from school & always had a snack waiting for us. She would ask us about our day & would really listen to the answers we gave. I think my mom is beautiful. Growing up, I had many friends tell me how young my mom looked or how pretty she was. I'm glad that she has always been accepting of herself & has instilled that in my sisters & I. She is very honest and puts forth a lot of effort to show those around her that she cares about them. I love you Mom. Thank you for everything. I had such a fun time spending time with my mom tonight. We had yummy chicken (thanks Lincoln) & good conversation. I laughed my head off...my mom can make me laugh more easily than almost anyone!

On the way home, I received a phone call from my friend Rebeca. I have a connection with her that I don't have with anyone else. We've both lost a son, & we are able to talk to each other about our trials without sugar-coating things. I honestly don't know what I would do without her!

I want to wish all of you women a Happy Mothers Day! I know that the gifts of motherhood were instilled in us before we even got to this earth. Some of us just get to use those gifts sooner than others. I know this was an extremely long post, but I wanted to remember every detail of my third Mothers Day without Jackson. Our little boy has taught me more than I ever thought possible. I am SO, SO, SO grateful to be Jackson's mom. I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father sent him to me!

Bragging Again...

I can't help but brag about my brother Aaron again. I am so, so proud of him! I wasn't able to go to his regional track meet this past Friday, but my dad sent us texts that night with his times. In the 110m high hurdles (which is his best event) he got his best time yet (14.17 seconds), and now holds the ALL-TIME MOUNTAIN VIEW RECORD in this event!!! He was already #1 in the SW region (which includes 6 states) in the event. Also, in the 300m high hurdles he beat his personal record, and currently has the fastest time in AZ. The East Valley Tribune ran an article about the meet & has an awesome picture of Aaron. I can't get a copy of it yet, but I found the picture on http://www.varsity.evtrib.com/ in the slideshow at the top of the page. I'll post the picture on my blog when I'm able to get a copy of it. In the article, it says "On the boys side, Mountain View’s Aaron Allen swept the hurdle races." I'm so excited to see him run in the state prelims and finals this week!!! I love watching him run...his form is PERFECT. Seriously, he is really amazing to watch. He is so focused and just slices through the air when he jumps. It's crazy! Can you tell I like to brag about him? :)

Cabin Trip

On Thursday afternoon, Lincoln & I and the dogs went up to the Hiatt cabin. We love it up there. The weather was PERFECT and it felt SO good to get out of town. We both really needed to get away. Lincoln studied for finals a lot of the time we were there, but we were still able to spend some time together, which was nice. The dogs LOVE it there too.
I love Duke's face in this picture...Lincoln was trimming Duke's nails and Duke was just chillin'. :)Daisy & I hung out on the hammock and watched...
Yesterday we went on a hike with the dogs. I realized how out of shape I am! Lincoln's parents came to the cabin last night. This morning I woke up at 6:15am with the dogs and went for a walk with them. It was AWESOME. Seriously, I couldn't believe how gorgeous the weather was!

Carl's Graduation

Today we drove to Flagstaff to see our brother-in-law Carl graduate from NAU with his doctorate in physical therapy! We are SO proud of him! We love him & were glad that we could see him graduate! (He's the one with the lei in the pic below).
Our neices Olivia & Alyssa, and our nephew Pacer drove back to the cabin with us. Olivia loves Lincoln. One of my favorite things about Livy is her voice. She is so cute!

Here we are riding on the shuttle on our way back to the car. I was in some pain during the graduation and by the time we got to the restaurant to meet everyone for lunch, I really wasn't feeling well at all. I made it through though!

Here we are with the new graduate!

Marcus was jealous of his dad's cap. :)

Pacer fell asleep in his carseat under his blanket...it was hilarious.

We got back to the cabin & picked up the dogs and then headed home so that Lincoln could work tonight. It was a really good trip...I can't wait to go again soon!

Crybaby

I think I've cried in every episode of The Biggest Loser that I've watched...& I've watched religiously for a few seasons now. I seriously cried probably every 10 minutes in the episode tonight. I have issues! I LOVE this show! I can't wait until the season finale next week! Knowing me, I'll keep it on Tivo and watch it again when I need to feel inspired! Does anyone else cry constantly during this show or am I just crazy?

Off Day

My medication is making me SO tired again. (I'm not sure why...I've been taking it for awhile now and was fine until a few days ago.) I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon today...not a good start to the week! I have to take the medication again at 8:30pm...which means I'll be awake for about 10 hours today. Ugh. I feel like my days are just wasting away sometimes! I'm definitely looking forward to Lincoln having a break from school. I'm so behind on everything again. Once I feel like I'm getting on top of some of my responsibilities, I realize I'm still WAY behind in so many areas...and I feel like I don't have the energy to do most of it.

Our situation has actually improved somewhat. I feel like we aren't in "crisis mode" as much as we were before. Taking a shower or walking up the stairs doesn't feel like as big of a deal as it did about a month ago. I'm not on pain medication, which means I have my mind back now! I'm able to read a lot and feel like I can have good conversations with people. I can also drive myself anywhere I want to. I always took these things for granted until I couldn't do them anymore...there are so many little blessings that have come back into my life lately.

I'm getting my blood work done tomorrow (finally...I lost the paperwork) and have an appointment next week with my GI Specialist. I'm still not sure if I am having the capsule endoscopy done...but I should have a few more answers in the next couple of weeks. I just felt the need to vent today. :) I'm still amazed at how many people ask about how I'm feeling. It makes me feel so good. I feel so much love and support from everyone, especially the women in my ward. You know who you are...THANK YOU for being so supportive!!! It really keeps me going & helps me to have a better attitude about everything!

P.S.-I'm really glad that I have this blog. It's been such a great outlet for me!

Joy

I watched Elder Richard G. Scott's talk from this past conference for the first time tonight. He tells about the death of two of his children, who died six weeks apart from each other. Also, his wife died 14 years ago...Elder Scott is very well acquainted with losing loved ones. I felt a level of compassion for him that I wouldn't have been able to feel a few years ago. I wondered at his calm demeanor as he told his story. I could feel his faith. What a remarkable man!

Elder Scott reminded me of what I felt the moment I had Jackson. Everything felt perfect. I couldn't believe that I had the privilege of having such a beautiful little boy inside my body for 9 months. Lincoln & I felt perfectly united at that time. We felt God's love so strongly. We felt PURE JOY. It was so easy to feel that way. I don't think that we did anything to deserve that happiness...it was just given to us.

I wish I could adequately describe the feelings that we had that day and throughout the coming weeks. We'll never forget that experience. I was glad to be reminded of these things tonight.

What We've Been Up To...

Well, I feel like my life has been pretty boring since Melissa, Brad & Ashley went back to Utah! It was SO, SO fun having them here. We were able to see Linc's sister Wendy & two of her kids a few days ago, so that was fun. We ate at Panda Express with them & chatted for a few minutes. I'm so glad that they live in AZ now!

I haven't been feeling very good this week. The medicine that I take at night is still really helping with my pain, but I have been really nauseated and feeling pretty sick. I'm still SO thankful that things are getting better though. Acupuncture is starting to REALLY help me again. I went two weeks in a row last month & I think that's why I was feeling so much better. My next appointment isn't for another 3 weeks, but I'm hoping to get in for another appointment sooner than that.

I love this picture of Lincoln...Daisy just looks crazy

Lincoln has been busy with his last week of classes for the semester. Finals are the next two weeks, so he will be studying for those whenever he is home. He has found time to play with the dogs though. They LOVE when they hear the gate open outside and know that he is home! :)

Daisy loves to play fetch with the ball in the house. I love this pic I took of her the other day. :)

We have a lot of fun things coming up this month, so hopefully I'll feel good enough to be a part of all of it!